From buddy  Fri Dec 20 23:38:53 1996
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 23:38:51 
Subject: Resume Translator


      Universal Resume Translator

"I know how to deal with stressful situations":
    I'm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
                        - - - - -
"I am able to take the time to interact well":
    I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
                        - - - - -
"I have strong communication skills":
    I talk too much.
                        - - - - -
"I'm proud of my organizational skills":
    I love to tell other people what to do.
                        - - - - -
"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization":
    I've used Microsoft Office some.
                        - - - - -
"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable":
    I only pilfer office supplies.
                        - - - - -
"My pertinent work experience includes":
    To say nothing of all the McJobs I've had.
                        - - - - -
"I take pride in my work":
    I blame others for my mistakes.
                        - - - - -
"I'm balanced and centered":
    I keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
                        - - - - -
"I have a good sense of humor":
    I know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
                        - - - - -
"I'm personable and interested in others":
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'm willing to relocate":
    I've just been evicted again.
                        - - - - -
"I have a stable personal life":
    Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
                        - - - - -
"I'm extremely professional":
    I have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
                        - - - - -
"My background and skills match your requirements":
    At that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone.
                        - - - - -
"I am adaptable":
    I've changed jobs a lot.
                        - - - - -
"I am always on the go":
    I'm never at my desk.
                        - - - - -
"I'm highly motivated to succeed":
    The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
                        - - - - -
"I have formal training":
    My probation officer says I'm a natural student.
                        - - - - -
"I interact well with all co-workers":
    All those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
                        - - - - -
"I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experience":
    I'm always making personal telephone calls.
                        - - - - -
"I look forward to hearing from you soon":
    Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form
    letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in
    my future career.