From buddy  Tue Nov  5 14:26:00 1996
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 14:25:59 
Subject: Dole's last-ditch strategies 


Top 17 Last-Ditch Strategies for Bob Dole

17. Have Liddy toss in a free pint of blood with every Dole vote

16. Get Russell, Kansas to hold a bake sale and a tractor raffle.

15. "Ms. Flowers, this is Bob Dole..."

14. Asks Clinton to drop out of the race so Dole has a chance against
    Perot

13. Checks with the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the possibility of a
    military coup

12. Releases doctored footage showing Dole catching that foul ball in the
    playoffs

11. Appeals to "Soccer Moms" by donning Valderrama wig and providing free
    Gatorade for the remainder of the campaign

10. Uses Senate influence to ram through a Constitutional amendment
    raising the minimum age for President to 70

9.  In addition to the 15% tax cut, promises every American a 15% hair
    cut

8.  Bribes Chelsea with a Porshe and a case of wine coolers for an
    endorsement

7.  Cruises Sunset Boulevard at 2:00 am in a desperate try for his own $25
    media blitz

6.  Claims mean-spirited twin "Doug" locked him in basement and claimed
    his identity for the last 40 years

5.  Digs through the rolodex for that Gilooly kid's number

4.  Legally changes his name to "Bob Clinton."

3.  Promises to make Snoop Doggy Dogg "Gangsta of State"

2.  Out: Jack Kemp   In: Tom Hanks

and the Number 1 Last Ditch Strategy of Bob Dole...

1.  New campaign slogan:  "Vote Dole in '96, get Kemp in '97!"