From buddy Mon Aug 7 13:27:10 1995 Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 14:03:20 Subject: In The News In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor Reprinted without permission President Clinton has pledged air power to the UN effort in Bosnia. He would like to send tanks, artillery and other heavy weapons, but they're all needed as evidence in the Waco hearings. The Democratic party has offered dinner with the President for a $100,000 contribution. When Bill Clinton said he'd be the President of change, he didn't mean small change. If that's a little out of your budget, $1,000 gets an invitation to events with Hillary, and for $19.95, Roger Clinton will come to your dinner party with a tuna casserole and sing. Senator Bob Dole celebrated his 72nd birthday. At his party, they played "pin the blame on the President". The latest proposal for simplifying the IRS tax forms promises to be efficient. The tax form will be printed on a postcard, and the audit notice will be printed on a rubber glove. The former deputy director of the LA County Museum of Natural History has been charged with embezzlement. Everyone is asking the same question: LA has a museum? Dr. Rolando Sanchez, the man responsible for removing the wrong foot from a diabetic patient, has operated on a patient's toe without consent. I guess this little piggy went to the lawyer. Sears' CEO has retired. A new chairman has been picked out, but he doesn't look anything like he did in the catalog. Miss America officials had to clarify their telephone ballot. They say eliminating swimsuits doesn't mean the women will parade naked. Now, thousands of us will have to vote again. John Denver stands trial next month for DUI. His record company is surprised that he drove his Porsche into a tree - it's his first hit in 15 years. Kids these days seem confused. They used to waive a gun around when they played cops 'n' robbers. Now they use one when they play post office. A San Diego County sheriff's deputy was asked why the nation should look to that city for leadership in law enforcement, rather than Los Angeles. "Our guys proved they could stop a tank," came the response, referring to a recent armored vehicle chase. "Their guys couldn't even stop a Ford Bronco." The first question from the two Americans freed by Iraq was, "Hey, how'd that OJ trial ever turn out. Now that it's something like week 28 of the trial, if OJ does finally walk, he's going to need a cane. A defense witness says he heard someone shout, "Hey, hey, hey," on the night of the murders. The mystery is solved - Fat Albert did it. Men who have been watching this trial should have learned one very important lesson - PICK UP YOUR SOCKS! The OJ workout tapes have been selling like hot cakes. He recommends power walking. Here's how it works: you commit a crime, hire a bunch of power attorneys and then walk. Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream has three new OJ inspired flavors: "Berry Sheck", "F. Lee Bailey's Irish Cream", and "Andrea Mazzola Granola". EuroDisney is finally showing a profit, thanks to staff reductions. Of course, visitors now only get one Pirate of the Caribbean, and the Main Street Electrical Parade is Mickey with a flashlight. A new therapy for impotence has been developed. It is injected directly into the penis. It's called Caverject, and wouldn't you know it, it's made by Upjohn. Another device to aid impotent men operates with a simple remote control. This will bring a whole new meaning to fast forward. Talk about VCR Plus! David Hasselhoff plans to open a new restaurant with a "Baywatch" theme. Customers order their drinks by cup size: A, B, C or Pamela Anderson. Michael Jackson is hiring a new agent. The self proclaimed King of Pop doesn't shell out a million bucks to just anybody. You've got to have excellent credentials - or a court order. A new study (don't ya love these?) shows that a growing number of men would rather have pot roast than sex. In two minutes sex is done (they say), but with pot roast you get sandwiches for a week. Last Saturday was the convention of the Dictionary Society of North America in case you missed it. Apparently, things got out of hand when delegates started exchanging words.