From buddy  Mon Dec  4 11:05:05 1995
Date: Mon, 4 Dec 1995 11:05:02
Subject: In the news


               In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
                   Includes some late night humor
                      reprinted w/o permission


President "I can't drive 55" Clinton signed a bill to repeal the 55 MPH
speed limit. This should shave at least 5 hours from his trip back to
Arkansas in January '96.

Newt Gingrich said his family convinced him not to run for President.
That's okay. I mean, half the fun of electing a new President is
watching his hair turn white in the first two years.

Rodney King's wife has filed for divorce. He thinks he took a beating
before? Just wait until her lawyer gets through with him.

Tonya Harding's fiance has been in trouble for lying and assault. It
sure is nice to see a young couple with so much in common.

Anna Nicole Smith checked herself into the Betty Ford rehab clinic. It
isn't going well. She keeps asking for a scotch on the rocks and George
Burns' phone number.

A Domino's Pizza employee was awarded $237,000 after his female boss
sexually harassed him. I guess she wanted him to deliver in 30 minutes
or less.

A new credit card, called the Visa Rainbow Card, is being introduced for
gay, lesbian and bisexual consumers. Great. Now, you can come out of the
closet and go right into debt.

An FBI study shows that prostitution arrests are down 22% since 1985.
Hookers are spending less time on the streets and more time on daytime
talk shows.

Four New York men died after ingesting a purported aphrodisiac. The
product was apparently manufactured by a Spanish fly-by-night operation.

A tax court ruled against a man who won cash and a car on the TV
game show "Wheel of Fortune." The IRS has said that he couldn't deduct
buying a vowel as a legitimate business expense.

A French woman claimed she killed her husband because of his excessive
flatulence. In fact, she testified that when he died in her arms, his
last request was, "Pull my finger."

And finally, they say that the best gifts are those that come from the
heart, so this year, I'm giving aortas!