From buddy Thu Jan 5 00:55:29 1995 Date: Thu, 5 Jan 1995 00:55:07 Subject: Tech Support Guy A Day in the Life Of A Tech Support/Customer Service Guy I wake up and look at the clock. Noon, as usual. I go in to the office, and see that the phones are flashing and buzzing. Damn call waiting. Oh, well. I take the first call with my usual technique: "Thank you for calling the tech support/CS department. Our hours are from 1 P.M to 1:05. Please (YAWWWWN)---" "Why you..." Busted. "Ye-e-e-es?" "I have a question." "Let me transfer you to the department of the people who can tolerate blatantly obvious statements." "I turned on one of your computers, and I got a message that said 'We have the right to shoot things out of the disk drive at you.' Does that mean anything?" "Yes, that message can be removed through the modem. Please turn on your machine." Heh heh. "OK, it's on." "Do you have the message?" "Yes." "OK, first let me see if you need it removed. I'm going to try to shoot the microprocessor at you. Ready?" "I, uh, I mean, I really..." "Too bad." I push a button. "AAAHHH...." "Sir?" "By bicroprocessor djust hid be id de..." YES! Right in the nostril! "Sir?" "Whad?" "Shut up." Next call. "This is tech support/CS, may I help you?" Please please please please say no... "Uh, Mr. tech support dude?" Oh, good, a teenager. B-d-BING! "I'm sorry sir, your pot isn't ready yet." "Oh, did I call the pot place AGAIN? It's a habit, man." "No, dullard." "Uh, I just stole one of your computers, and I can't figure out how to turn it on." "Ok, do you have a hairpin or something?" "I have a bobby pin I use to pick locks." "OK. Now, find an outlet and stick it in there. Don't let go." "Ok, man. Thanks." Next call. "Tech support....blah blah blah, all that crap... How may I help you?" "I'm trying to run the fax software that was installed on your system, and every time I run it, my machine locks up and gives me strange messages." I get exaggeratedly cheerful. "Gee, sir. Your files must be corrupt." "Any idea how to fix them" "Nope." Next call. "Hi, you've dialed the hell hotline, and this is the spectre of death, how may I help you?" "Uh, wrong number." "Damn right." Next call. "Hi." "Is this tech..." "YES, DAMMIT." "I tried to backup my hard drive to a tape, and everything on it got deleted." "Oh, yeah, that's supposed to happen." "But that can't be right. "You question me?" Vile bastard. "Uh, yeah.. I mean, NO, I, um, maybe, uh..." "shut UP." "Good point. Is there any way I can get the files back." "Did you do a tape backup?" "No. If you recall, the backup software deleted them." Oh, how nice, sarcasm. And did I hear him mutter "idiot" under his breath? "Sir, please dial the following number with your modem. 1-800-HEH-HEH." He dials it. Now who's an idiot? I push a button. I hear an explosion over the phone. "Uh, my computer just exploded." "Whoa. How awful." TO BE CONTINUED (but only if I get requests for more)....