From buddy Mon Nov  7 19:55:26 1994
Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 19:51:24
Subject: "Artsy" people - (may be off. to anyone with talent)


     Time again for another installment from...
                                  MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL"
      ***warning***
     Do not read if you are sensitive about your craft.  This is all in
     good fun (and I didn't write it anyway, so don't get mad at *me*!)
     Hey, and I'm an artist too, so don't think I'm picking on anybody.  If
     you can't laugh at yourself, everybody will without you anyway.
     (Ahem) Now, without further adieu, here's
                YOUR GUIDE TO MODERN CREATIVE ARTISTIC TYPES
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     CREATIVE| DOMINANT  |SECONDARY   |DISTIN-   |HAUNTING    |HOW TO
     ARTISTIC|PERSONALITY|PERSONALITY |GUISHING  |QUESTION    |ANNOY THEM
     TYPE    |  TRAIT    |TRAITS      |FEATURES  |            |
     ________|___________|____________|__________|____________|___________
     Writer  |Self-      |Pomposity   |Nervous   |"Am I just a|Say:"But how
             |Absorption |Irritability|twitching.|hack?"      |do you make
             |           |Whining     |Bad pos-  |            |a living?"
             |           |            |ture.     |            |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Painter |Self-      |Delusions of|Spattered |"Should I   |Say: It's
             |Obsession  |Grandeur    |pants.    |move to New |not finished
             |           |            |Inarticu- |York?"      |is it?"
             |           |            |late ex-  |            |
             |           |            |planations|            |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Poet    |Self-Pity  |Paranoia    |Weird lips|"Why does   |Be another
             |           |Bitterness  |Sniveling |everyone    |poet.
             |           |Bile        |Poverty   |avoid me?"  |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Perform-|Self-      |Alienation. |Vaguely   |"Given the  |Say: "I saw
     ance    |Indulgence |Irrational- |punkish   |infinite #  |something
     Artist  |           |ity. Shame- |look, only|of things I |just like
             |           |lessness.   |with wrin-|could do with|that once
             |           |            |kled skin.|my life, why|on the Gong
             |           |            |          |am I standing|Show."
             |           |            |          |here on stage|
             |           |            |          |slapping meat|
             |           |            |          |on my head?" |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Actor   |Self-      |Self-Doubt  |Aura of   |"Do I have   |Say: "Put
             |Devotion   |            |insincer- |any talent?" |on a few
             |           |            |ity       |             |pounds,
             |           |            |          |             |haven't u?"
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Rock and|Self-      |Sleaziness  |Sallow    |"Where am I?"|Throw beer
     Roll    |Complacency|Sliminess   |complexion|             |bottles at
     Guitarist|          |Smugness    |Venereal  |             |their heads
             |           |            |scabs     |             |during
             |           |            |          |             |concerts.
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Street  |Self-      |Compulsion  |Scrawny   |"Have I no   |Punch 'em
     Mime    |Satisfaction|to pester  |bod. Torn |shame?"      |in the
             |           |            |leotards. |             |mouth.
             |           |            |Impish    |             |
             |           |            |behavior. |             |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------
     Cartoon-|Malicious  |Frivolous   |Inky fingers|"Will I be |It is
     ist     |frivolity  |maliciousness|Inky shirts|drawing    |unwise to
             |           |            |Inky pants  |g-d---ed   |annoy
             |           |            |            |rabbits for|cartoonists
             |           |            |            |the rest of|
             |           |            |            |my life?"  |
     ----------------------------------------------------------------------