From buddy Mon Nov  7 19:47:24 1994
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 1994 18:21:45
Subject: they


>Who is "they" anyway?

"They," of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported
by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA,
"they" are located in the dungeon of another Federal building
at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. "Their"
annual operating budget is well in excess of $1B. One of the
main functions of the DOT ("Department of Them") is to
grant approval and funding for other Federal agencies which
conduct medical or scientific research. So, when some study comes out
that putatively is the work of (say) the National Heart-Lung-
Blood Institute, the National Cancer Institute, the National
Center for Drug Abuse, NASA, NOAA, NSF or the Fund for the
Improvement of Post-Secondary Education, those agencies actually
got their funding from the Department of Them. This is why we
say "They did a study, and it turns out aluminum ions in the
brain cause Alzheimer's disease" or some such. Another function
of DOT is to secretly man the hotlines of other agencies. So,
when you're doing your income taxes and you need to call the
IRS hotline, 1-800-IRS-1040 (I think it should actually be
1-800-POOR-SAP), they may answer the phone "IRS, may I help
you?" if you're lucky, but they always transfer your calls
to DOT. Then you get your answer, and when you get audited
later on, you can say, "They told me to put that down."
If pressured to reveal who, specifically, told you to write off
$9,540 worth of imported beer as client entertainment,
remember that when a civil servant goes to work for DOT he
or she must relinquish one's real name. All DOT employees are
known as either "The Guy" or "The Lady." So you must say, "The
lady told me I could take it as a business deduction."

To visit the offices of DOT, you can take the Metro Orange
Line to the Smithsonian station, and walk across the Mall
to 7th and Independence. When you get to the security desk, tell
the guard, "They told me I had to come in in person." (You'll
probably be asked for positive ID of some sort, though, so
be forewarned: you cannot weasel out of it by saying, "They
never told me I had to bring my birth certificate!") The guard
will then escort you down an obscure hall and two flights of
dank-smelling stairs to get to the bowels of the building.
There, you will find a large, fluorescently-lit concourse
with a big sign saying simply, "THEM" . Despite their mammoth
budget, DOT wished to labor in obscurity, so if you learn
anything interesting while you are there, you will have to tell
your friends, "They told me not not say anything."

Some computer companies are modeling their customer hotlines
after DOT. So, when your OA coordinator yells, "who the hell
told you to type 'Format c:'?!" you can say, "The guy said
that's what I'm supposed to do!"