From buddy Mon Nov  7 19:21:21 1994
Date: Thu, 3 Mar 1994 19:11:49
Subject: steven wright

  Steven Wright:
  
  When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox.  I was an only
  child... eventually.
  
  I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  
  I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
  
  I used to have a dog.  I named him Stay.  When he was little,
  I used to confuse him.  "Come here, Stay.  Come here, Stay."
  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
  
  I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
  
  I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road;
  I don't know how I got there.
  
  I installed a skylight in my apartment....
  The people who live above me are furious!
  
  I play the harmonica.  the only way I can play is if I get my car going
  really fast, and stick it out the window.
  
  I replaced the headlights in my car with stobe lights, so it looks like
  I'm the only one moving.
  
  I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now
  my car goes 500 miles per hour.  the harmonica sounds *AMAZING*.
  
    I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me "If
  I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
  
    My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice,
  except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
  
  Once I took a pair of contact lenses and painted little cats on them.  I
  put them on my dog and he went crazy.  Then I took one out and he ran in
  circles....
  
  Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
  pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you
  doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your life!" 
  
  My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.  I
  said "the whole time".
  
  If  you were driving at the speed of light and put your headlights on, would
  they do  anything?
  
  I can remember the first time I  had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven, time to
  go to sleep"
  I said "But I don't know how."
  She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."
  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.
  My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
  
  "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
  like an idiot."
  
  I like to stand in the shower with the plug in and pretend I'm in a
  sinking submarine.
  
  -What's the soup du jour?
   I don't know, but they have it everyday!
  
    I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet 
  in the shape of a ouigi board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want
  and the table would move across the floor to it.
  
  One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see
  the stop sign."
  I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
  
  The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean.
  Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
  
  I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
  they wouldn't have to go so fast.
  
  I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  
  Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for
  just a second.
  
  I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right in
  front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
  
  They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning... (picks up
  his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...