::::0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0::: 000 000 ::: The Spocky Horror Star Trek Show '93 ::: 000 with... 000 ::: Audience Participation ::: 000 000 ::::0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0:0::: Originally by: Tim Murphy sometime in 1988 (what was I on?) Revised by: Tim Murphy Oct./Nov. 1993 (Oh yeah, that.) Copyright 1993 Tim Murphy (Everyone's doing it.) | | ---> If you reproduce or redistribute this thing, please keep my name on it, and don't change it. Props: Phaser set to kill Dilithium crystals Heavy Water Toilet Paper (preferably 1st Season scripts) Life-sized Wesley dummy Carbonized bread Antacid Small nuclear flare Borg Panties General Info: -Audience instructions are in square brackets. -Whenever Picard appears or is wishy-washy in some way the audience screams "F*ck the Prime Directive!" or "At least Kirk had a pair!" -Whenever Tasha Yar slumps out of a seldomly opened storage compartment, yodel "Dead!" -Dr. Crusher may have her wig insulted or be referred to as "Captain's Meat!" -Whenever a Ferengi appears, offer to sell your boy/girlfriend for 10 minutes in a holosuite with an aroused tribble. SYNDICATION/MY NEW FEATURE ["Graphics!" until intro starts (Affirmative) ] Picard's Lips: These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's-- (The familiar ILM killer starfield suddenly flickers and blips out. All that's left is a black background with Picard's huge, dry lips speaking) Goddamn Cray junk! Oops, er... Roddenberry was ill The day the ratings stood still, And His Series was summarliy canned. [Screw NBC!] And Bill Shatner was grim, In ads for margarine [Promise!] And Nimoy's albums were commercially panned. [You ARE Spock!] Along came "Genesis [Bellybuttons!] II", It too was given the screw [Hey Counselor Troi!] And poor old Gene no longer felt [Up his wife!] like a man. One night tripping on mace, He realized outer space [Sit on a studio exec's face!] Was the place all of his fortunes began... [Lucky shot!] Doing this... Chorus: Syndication, [Dough, dough, dough!] My new feature, [Bucks, bucks, bucks!] My wife Majel [Majel reconstructive surgery!] Looks like the Creature. Androids thinking [And boinking! And dinking!] About life's meaning. [Fully functional!] A whole new series [Wimps wimps wimps!] With Commie leanings. Oh Oh Oh Ohhhhh Uh Uh Ohh At the primetime, [How's it distributed?] syndicated, Picture Show. Lips: I knew Paramount Pictures Sucked big, eggy mixtures [Klingon KY!] When making up new TV shows; [Blow your nose!] And I thought I would piss, When I saw Marina Sirtis [When I saw Wil Wheaton's zits!] In "The Wicked Woman" showing off what she's got. [Gimme some!] Gene R. said big boobs [Class M!] Would get his show on the [Fallopian!] tubes, And nobody would look at the plot. But when egos collide [bang heads together] Bill Shatner's sure to get snide, [Tek what?] And pay to have directors get shot. [He's dead, Jim!] So anyway... Chorus: Syndication, [Clams, clams, clams!] My new feature, [Moola, moola, moola!] My wife Majel [Majel trauma!] Looks like The Creature. Androids thinking [And boffing! And binking!] About life's meaning. [I am not programmed to respond in that area!] A whole new series [Conference!] With Commie leanings. Oh Oh Oh Ohhhhh Uh Uh Ohh At the primetime, [How's it distributed?] syndicated, Picture Show... I gotta go uh uh ohhh [Hold it in!] To the Primetime, Syndicated, [Spocky Horror!] Picture Show... Not HBO, [Home Bomb Office!] Oh Oh Oh Ohhhhh Uh Uh Ohh To the Primetime, Syndicated, [Spocky Horror!] Picture Show, Remote controhhl [Girlfriend: Fuck this series! (while flipping off trekker)] [Friends: Hey! Don't change the station!] [Trekker: Gimme that goddamn remote NOW!] Oh Oh Oh Ohhhhh Uh Uh Ohh To the Primetime, Syndicated, [Spocky Horror!] Picture Show... {Fade to commercial} {Fade up, the bridge, Wesley is surreptitiously undoing a yeoman's uniform with a new device concealed in his braces. Party streamers are everywhere, and everyone is in formal dress.} Troi: Wasn't the Brobdingnagian spleen flensing ceremony beautiful? [Shrink that dress!] Worf: I was not amused when the Brobdingnagian ambassador used me to pick his teeth clean! [Spinehead!] Pre-PEEPEE DEEDEE [Wesley, what do you say when you want to be ignored?] Weasley: Hey Deedee. [What's a vagina?!] Deedee: Yes, Wesley? Weasley: I've got something to say. [What the HELL is a VAGINA?!] Deedee: Uh huh...oh, by the way... Deedee: Oh Wes, [Kick the dummy] thank you [For your zit cream!] for letting me come with you. I plan to pursue my studies in alien foreplay rituals [Lick a Gorn!], and this ceremony was a great chance to get some hands-on experience. [Wash 'em off!] {She notices her uniform is sliding off, sharply yanks it back up. Wes screams as 3 incisors rip out of his mouth} Weasley: Oh, Deedee. [Look, goddammit, WHAT THE FUCK IS A VAGINA?!] Weasley: [What do you say when you have to save the ship?"] No problem. PEEPEE DEEDEE Weasley: Hey Deedee? [Is that a warp nacelle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?] Deedee: Yes Wes? Weasley: I've got something to prepubescently stammer. Deedee: >Burp< Weasley: I really love the [Be technical!] sinusoidal way... [What a poet!] your body parts move... [Do you like guys?] It makes me glad I'm not gay. I think. [Gutless writers!] Deedee: Oh, Wes... Weasley: I wish puberty would come and change me. [Deedee!] I'd say "Son of a bitch!" not "Peepee!" [Deedee!] So please let me have just a looksee. [Deedee!] I've one thing to say and that's Peepee! Deedee! Let me see! People tell me I'm smart but too geeky. [Deedee!] I've only seen naked girls 'cause I'm sneaky. [Deedee!] Oh please, won't you give me a peaky? [Deedee!] I've one thing to say and that's Peepee! Deedee! Let me see! [Ferengis douche with DDT!] Here's a new form of life that I made. I played in the lab a tad; [With yourself!?] Wanna bet before long that it gets laid? [Sooner than you!] Oh, D-E-E-D-EE I need it bad! [Activate Holodeck program Bufu 1!] Deedee: Oh, your hormones are certainly a mess! [Oh Wes!] But no way I'm coming out of this dress. [Oh Wes!] You'll implode from this sex-u-al stress. [Oh Wes!] I've one thing to say and that's Wes, pest, get off me! [Mugatos like to fuck in trees!] Oh, Wes.... Weasley: Oh, poop. [Sayyyy SHIT!] Deedee: I'm mad... Weasley: Oh, gosh. [Sayyyy SHIT!] Deedee: At you. Weasley: {sotto voce} I wish we'd screw... Deedee & Weasley: {as Geordi screams in agony offstage} Hey! Look at that alien brain shrew! {Further singing is cut off as Riker drop-kicks Weasley so the orders Picard has been screaming for the last 10 minutes can be heard} [Would you fuck a 200 year old alien bartender?] Narrator (Guinan): I would like, [A hat that's less stupid!] ah, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. [To a Klingon locker room?] {She takes out her little black data pad, a Newton Series 57. She starts blipping through her data entries.} It seemed a fairly ordinary stardate when Weasley Crusher and his crewmate Deedee K'Ice, [Queen!] two young, genetically perfect, socially at ease, unbiased, non- racist, enlightened Federation kids laid [Can't be talking about Weasley!] in a course and left Starbase Den-10 that late November evening [It's always night in space, shithead!] to visit a Dr. Montgomery Scott, ex-Starfleet Engineering Eccentric and now friend to both of them. [Is it true you blow Borgs for quatloos?] It's true there were dark, pre-organic molecular clouds, [Describe overtanned, fat Vulcans on swings!] heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which the ship was warping. [Is it also true Picard is uncircumcised?] It's true, also, that the spare warp core the ship was carrying was badly in need of some antimatter, but, uh, Wesley being preoccupied by twelve gallons of testosterone with nothing to do, well, he wasn't going to let a storm that could possibly cause the ship to turn into a rapidly expanding ball of superheated plasma spoil the rest of the evening, was he? [It's always night in space, ropehead!] ...On a night out...[You dumb asshole!] it was a night out they were going to remember...[How long does Klingon sex put you in Sickbay?] for a very long time. Deedee: That's the third Tholian starship that's passed us. [They must have BIG sphincters!] They sure do take their lives in their hands [Don't got 'em!] what with this subspace instability and all. Weasley: Yes, life's pretty cheap [And hot!] to that type. {Suddenly there is a large explosion, larger even than Klingons produce after eating 7 cans of Maple style beans. Klaxons cut in, the bridge lights dim, and that cool power loss sound effect can be heard.} Picard: Report, Mr. Laforge. Laforge: Well sir, it seems somebody stuck a champagne cork in [Beverly's asshole!] the warp core, and the resulting pressure gradient in the interstitial frammazammatron caused a warp nacelle event. And blew out our subspace radio. [Did it cum?] Riker: Duh, what? Laforge: We got a flat nacelle. Picard: Mister Data, [Ate-a Yar!] suggestions? [Use less wax on your head!] Data: Captain, we have a spare warp core. Jettisoning the old one [Like Riker's babes!] and installing the spare should reinflate the nacelle. The subspace radio damage will require additional repairs. [How well does your head resemble the end of a sperm?] Picard: Very well. Ensign Crusher, you coordinated the spare warp core transfer from Starbase Den-10. What is its status? Weasley: Uh oh. [What does your girlfriend say when you want sex?] Worf: Uh oh, what? [What do you say when your other inflatable doll leaks?] Weasley: I think the spare's flat too. Gosh darn it, I knew I should have gotten that spare warp core fixed! Picard: Lieutenant Worf, take Mister Crusher's spine and- Weasley: WAIT! Didn't we pass some old space station a few parsecs back? Maybe thay have a subspace radio we could use. {There is suddenly a flash of lightning on the main view screen, and eerily silhouetted is a huge, ancient, spooky starbase.} Geordi: Commander, I'm reading [No you're not! You're blind!] very high power levels from that thing. Troi: [Who stinks in bed?] Commander, I sense multiple [Orgasms!] presences inside the station. Riker: So now what do we do? Data: Repairs cannot be effected with our resources alone. Picard: Very well then. Ensign Crusher [MOMMY!], put us next to the station, then report to the [Bed!] transporter room with yeoman Deedee. Yeoman Deedee's singing stinks, and your hormones have rendered you an idiot, so you both go. OVER AT THE FRANKEINSTEIN PLACE Deedee: In this dustcloud darkness, Stuck going at sublight, [Geordi's sex life!] It'll take all night, to move that far. I'll be boozing at Ten Forward's bar. Deedee & Weasley: At sublight... [Ignite nuclear flare, throw at guy who's been farting the last 10 minutes] Chorus: Going to the FrankEinstein place. Deedee & Weasley: At sublight... Chorus: Barely even warping space. Deedee & Weasley: At sublight, sublight, this will take up all the rest of my life. Traveller: I can travel anywhere, and it's much faster than beaming. Warp drives are a joke, I give them all a good reaming. I'm so damn fast. I'm so damn fast... Deedee & Weasley: At sublight... [Ignite nuclear flare, throw at guy who's been chewing his ice] Chorus: Going to the FrankEinstein place. Deedee & Weasley: At sublight... Chorus: Barely even warping space. At sublight, sublight... Deedee & Weasley: ...this will take up all the rest of my life. {Cut to airlock of alien starbase, Wes and Deedee finish beaming over. In front of them is a gigantic oaken door, and on it a huge knocker. Wes begins frantically banging it since the airlock is broken and they're asphyxiating} Traveller: [Make hell a two syllable word!] Hello. Weasley: Hi! My name is Wesley Crusher [Diaper-boy!], and this is a sexist bimbo, Yeoman Deedee [Don't touch!]. I wonder if you could help us. You see, our starship broke down a few parsecs up the galactic lane...do you have a subspace radio we might use? Traveller: You're suffocating. [Let 'em!] Deedee: {croaking} Yes--there's no air. [It's all in Troi's head!] Weasley: Hhhhhhhhhhh.... [Should aliens have sex internally?] Traveller: Yes...I think you'd better both come inside. {They go inside. The place looks like what would happen if Hieronymous Bosch dropped acid and had en epileptic seizure at the Holodeck controls} Deedee: I think I liked it better when you were trying to get under my uniform on the bridge. [So did Wes!] What kind of a space station is this? Weasley: Oh, it's probably some kind of alien biolab used for live vivisections. [So that's your excuse!] Traveller: [Which way does your forehead point?] This way. Deedee: {Looks around, sees all kinds of shiny medlab equipment and inflatable balloons} Are you having a vivisection? {Weasley pokes her in the ribs} Traveller: You've beamed over on a very special night. [THERE'S NO NIGHT IN--oh, never mind!] It's one of the Master's affairs. [It's Riker six, Master five, but Master SHOOTS! He SCORES!] A TIME WARP [How big is William Shatner's ego?] It's astounding; Plots are fleeting; Reruns, take their toll. But watch the viewscreen... Greena: {Luscious Orion slave babe} Not for very much longer. Traveller: I've got the [Andorean clap!] remote control. IT'S A RIP-OFF! USING A TIIIIME WAAAAARP! Wrecking, those moments when... An episode worked well... Traveller & Greena: Then it went straight to helllll.... Uranians: DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! Guinan: Just slingshot to the left... All: And Warp eight to the rii ii iii ii ii iight! Guinan: Your head will be cleft, [Klingon sex!] All: Unless you hang on tiiiii iii iight! But it's the vectored thruuu uh uh uuust That warps you to the Plei ay ay ay stocene! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! Greena: I'm so slinky, what I do is so kinky You can't stand it, no, not at all. I'll give you such an erection, and a mutant infection. My sex life, is a ball! Traveller: With one little switch flip Greena: You could blow up a starship [Good lungs!] Traveller: And give the Romulans a good laugh. Magenta: With the wrong combination Traveller: You'll destroy gravitation! Uranians: DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! Coulombia: Well I was in a Jeffries Tube just havin' a think, When all the warning lights just started to blink. It freaked me out, that all this could arise Just from pushing some red buttons that had caught my eyes. I smelled some smoke, and I felt a change 'Cuz my lower torso jammed the antimatter exchange. Uranians: DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! Guinan: Just slingshot to the left... All: And Warp eight to the rii ii iii ii ii iight! Guinan: Your head will be cleft, [Klingon sex!] All: Unless you hang on tiiiii iii iight! But it's the vectored thruuu uh uh uuust That warps you to the Plei ay ay ay stocene! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! Deedee: Wes, say something! [Goo goo!] Weasley: Uh, two to beam aboard. [I can beam a board all by myself!] {Banging his comm badge has no effect except to make his chest swell a little, which does help him look more manly} Deedee: I think we'd better beam out of here. Weasley: Oh for heck's sake, get a grip on yourself. ['Cuz you won't!] {Cut to wrought iron turbolift, we see a foot clad in those funky jet boots from Star Trek V stomping in time with the heavy, heavy beat} Deedee: Look, if you get us out of here, I'll let you run your hands through my [Calc homework!] underwear drawer. Wes: I'm here-there's nothing to [Turn you on!] worry about. {Music H-bomb goes off} {Turbolift stops at the main hall level where Weasley and Deedee are.The wrought iron doors whoosh open improbably. Out minces a Tellarite wearing black leather jet boots and a red & black satin teddy. It's an image that wouldn't turn on a myopic gorilla.} SWEET TELLARITE Frank: How do you do, I... See you've met my... Quirky alien. He's just a little bent, [To the left!] Because, when you were sent, he Thought you'd both be pungent. [Just Weasley's shorts!] Don't get grossed out by the way that I smell! Given time I'm sure you all will recover. I'm not much like a man by the light of day, [Neither's Wes!] At night my BO makes me quick to discover! I'M JUST A SICK TELL-UH-RITE, Uranians: Sick Tell-uh-rite...oooooo Frank: FROM INTERSECTIONAL, TRANS-URANIAHHHH, HAH HAH! Let me show you my place, {To Wesley} Maybe grow you a face, You both look like you're [Expendable!] evolved from apes. Or if you want something visual That's really abysmal, We could go take in the "Questor Tapes." Weasley: I'm glad you hated that show, Could we use your subspace radio? My biological clock's in a bit of a hurry. [What do you get when you see Weasley naked?] Deedee: No rush. Weasley: We'll just report on our trip, And beam back to the ship. This pain in my crotch makes me worry. Frank: So your nacelle's got a flat, well, how 'bout that? Well, fleshbags, don't you panic. He'll rebuild your ship, for some scotch and a tip I'll get you a Highlandic Mechanic! [My poor, wee bairns!] I'M JUST A SICK TELL-UH-RITE, [Boom chika boom chika boom!] Uranians: Sick Tell-uh-rite...oooooo Frank: FROM INTERSECTIONAL, TRANS-URANIAHHHH, HAH HAH! Why don't you stay at our base, Traveller: Base! Frank: We have plenty of space, [Sucky pun!] Coulombia: Space! Frank: I could show you my plot-rehash obsession. [Naked Now!] I've been remaking a man With diddly ears and green tan, And he's good at leaving neck... impressions. I'M JUST A SICK TELL-UH-RITE, [We know already.] FROM INTERSECTIONAL, TRANS-URANIAHHHH, HAH HAH! So--beam up to my john [No toilets on the bridge!] When's the last time you've gone? I see you shiver with... [WIPE IT!] constipation. BUT MAYBE YOUR PAIN... Is caused by too much brain. So I'll use my paws, And take out... some! {Coulombia and Traveller start disintegrating Weasley's and Deedee's uniforms.} Deedee: Hey! WEASLEY! Weasley: Be quiet, Deedee. We'll play along [You wish!] for now, and later when they're not looking I'll run away. {Traveller gets carried away and accidentally disintegrates several millimeters of Weasley's reproductive assembly.} Coulombia: Slowly, slowly! He doesn't have much to spare. Weasley: Hello. We mean you no harm. This is my crewmate Deedee. [Hey Weas, spell IC!] I see... Traveller: You're very lucky to be invited up to FrankEinstein's toilette. [Ooh, French!] Some beings would give their nitrogenous wastes for the privilege. [Or fuck a Horta!] Weasley: Beings like you, maybe. {Suspiciously eyes Coulombia.} Coulombia: Ha! I've used it. {Traveller punches in a Romulan ale on a dusty replicator. He grabs the bottle as it materializes, takes a good chug, and drops it when he realizes he replicated a urine sample instead.} Traveller: Come along, the Master doesn't like to be kept shedding. {They all shuffle into the wrought iron turbolift, which takes off at Mach 3.} {Tho doors open on a really BIG bathroom, with lots of non-bathroom things, like a tachyon reactor and a stainless steel sickbay table, marble stairs and aliens from 30 or 40 different worlds, who all have 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, etc. etc. Ok, it's a lab. In a bathroom.} Weasley: Ensign Crusher. And this is my wet dream, Yeoman Deedee. Frank: [Say something in Klingon!] Qapla'... Weasley: What? Frank: Qapla bad disintegrator burns you have there...But here, put these on. {He hands them some vintage animated force field belts. Deedee looks fetching outlined in yellow.} It's not often we receive the Federation here, let alone offer them...carbohydrates! {He yanks a twinkie out of a replicator carried around on a silver tray by a Gorn in tuxedo and jams it into Weasley's mouth.} Weasley: Carbohydrates?! All we asked was to use your subspace radio, goshdarnit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore! Deedee: Wes, don't be so scrotal. Weasley: What's a scrotal? [Same idea as a vagina!] Frank: Do you have any phaser burns Weasley? Weasley: Certainly not. My mom doesn't have good aim. Traveller: Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your... grunt. Frank: Tonight, my non-Euclidian amphibians, [Weasley's last three dates!] you are about to witness a quantum leap [Ziggy!] in bio-libidinal research...and those body lice are mine! {Snatches them back from some grubby Jawa-like thing near his knee} It was strange the way it happened...suddenly you discover Nair...what a fool! My curling iron's been there all along... {Everyone looks at each other, shrugs.} Traveller: Forget it, he's on a roll. Frank: And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive deoderant, [Who's your favorite Star Trek character?] that SPARK that is the breath of life! [Do you know that Shatner wears a girdle?] Yes, I have that knowledge...[Do you know his secret?] I know his secret... It's on...[His shelf?] HIS SHELF! You are fortunate for tonight is the night that my skinny creature is destined to be BORN! {Greena, Coulombia and Traveller frantically start banging buttons on different control panels scattered around the room.} Frank: Throw open the switches on the gam-plastic iota blaster and step the core memory THREE MORE KILOQUADS! {In a pastel transporter chamber something begins to form in a burst of color right out of "Yellow Submarine." It's wearing a spiked dog collar and a gold g-string.} Frank: OH! SPOCKY! I NEED SOME NOOKIE PLEASE Spocky: I need some nookie, please or I am going to be dead. It's been seven years and my glands are pulsing with dread! Oh, woe is me, I need sex or I'm history. And, can't you see, That I'm at the start of a pretty big pon-farr! It's highly ironic that a guy with my logical mind All: It ain't no lie! Spocky: Can get so horny that I'd sleep with a handy canine. All: Get laid or die! Spocky: My... sperm count is high, give me some or I might just cry. It... makes me sigh, That I'm at the start of a pretty big pon-farr! All: Sha la la la it ain't no lie! Spocky: Oh ho no no. All: Sha la la la get laid or die! Spocky: Oh ho no no. All: Sha la la la it ain't no lie! Spocky: Oh ho no no. I need some nookie please or I am going to be dead. All: Get laid or die! Spocky: Oh ho no no... Frank: Well, really. Spocky: It's been seven years and my glands are pulsing with dread! All: It ain't no lie! Spocky: Oh no no no. Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first materialization. {Tosses him into a brig cell and activates the forcefield.} Spocky: Fascinating. Frank: But since you're such a pointy beauty, [What do you say to Weasley after sex?] I am prepared to forgive you. Traveller: He's a credit to your perversity, Master. Greena: A triumph of big technical terms that don't mean anything. Coulombia: He's OK. Frank: OK? {HE pulls out a disruptor and blows a perfect hole through her midsection.} O K ?! {He pulls a big switch sticking out of the wall and beams her underwear 3 inches to the left.} [What do Weasley's ex-girlfriends say?] I think we can do better than that. Weasley, Deedee, what do you think of him? Deedee: Well, I don't like a man with too many green corpuscles. Frank: I didn't make him...FOR YOU! He carries the Image of Surak seal of approval. I CAN MAKE YOU A VULCAN (part 1) Frank: A halfling, with a 210 IQ, Will still tear up the place When he needs to screw. And soon in a chair with a determined stare, He sweats from his talking as he tells us of Hawking As if we could know what he means. And with a sliderule and a little comp-screen He'll think of things keen. He'll be a bright guy...Oh honey... All: But not the right guy... Frank: He'll prove Fermat's last theorem With geome-try, Try to trisect an angle and calculate pi. Such a brainpan if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days... Frank & Uranians: I can make you a Vuh uh uh uhl cannn. Frank: He'll do neck gropes, and mind-melds, Wipe your mind, if you're a jerk. The terms he uses I just can't understand, But in just seven days, oh baby... I can make you a Vuh uh uh uhl can. {FrankEinstein is cut off as warning klaxons go off and red lights start flashing over a door covered in frost. The word "Akira" has been scribbled over and "Worfie" penciled in. 2 seconds later an ice-covered Klingon on a Harley ElectraWarp blasts through the door.} Coulombia: Worfie! Worfie: What ever happened to the holodeck? We'd run down creatures there and snap their necks! It don't seem the same since thinking first And killing later, no, that sucks the worst. I used to gut my rivals with a chick who'd go Pull out their lungs and wrap them in a bow; And finger paint when all the red stuff flowed. And squeeze their necks until their eyeballs burst. Hot patootie, jIparHa' nol, I really like to kill 'em all! Hot patootie, jIparHa' nol, I really like to kill 'em all! Hot patootie, jIparHa' nol, I really like to kill 'em all! {Worfie whips out an electronic sax and starts wailing} My head used to swim from all the beings I scragged My hands kind of fumbled with their black body bags. I'd lean over their crushed heads as they started to gag That they were really very sorry to have cut in line. I'd get back in front, and brush off my clothes, Really hoping somebody would insult my nose. With your hands around their neck you'd make 'em eat their toes It felt pretty good. WOO You had a good time. Hot patootie, jIparHa' nol, I really like to kill 'em all! Hot patootie, jIparHa' nol, I really like to kill 'em all! Hot patootie, jIparHa' nol, I really like to kill 'em all! {FrankEinstein attacks Worfie with a laser drill. He sets the drilling depth to "Other Side of the Planet."} Frank: One from the cryo-vaults. Spocky: Fascinating. Frank: {Coulombia is bumming.} Oh baby, don't be upset... It was a gratuitous killing...he had a certain psychopathic charm, but no relentless sex drive. {Spocky makes the Vulcan hand thing.} OH! I CAN MAKE YOU A VULCAN (part 2) Frank: But a dendrite and an axon, Some seratonin and a neuron, Makes me, ooooh, shake. Makes me want to find prime numbers by ha-ha-hand... In just seven days... Frank & Uranians: I can make you a Vuh uh uh uhl cannn. Frank: I don't want no discussion, just real Vulcan suction! In just seven days, I can make you a Vuh uh uh uhl cannn. Grok it if you can, In just seven days, I can make you a Vuh uh uh uhl cannn. {Music trails off into Vulcan Wedding Trudge.} Guinan: There are those that say that life is an illusion, that reality is a figment of Q's imagination. If this is so, then we're all in deep shit...however, the sudden departure of FrankEinstein and his creature into the seclusion of his holosuite has given Weasley and Deedee a chance to pick the fur out of their teeth... {Deedee and Weasley are shown to their rooms by Traveller and Greena.} {Deedee is in her room, snoring loudly. There is a beep from the door.} [Start chanting "Absolute zero."] Deedee: ZZZZzzzzzzzzz...uh? Whuzzat? Who's there? Frank (Weas): It's only me, Deedee. Deedee: What the hell did you wake me up for, you little twerp? {Frank enters the room. Oddly enough, he can see his breath.} Frank (Weas): Everything's going to be all right, Deedee. Deedee: You little geek, take off [My clothes!] before I rip you another Jeffries' Tube! {Frank does something that is a major cause of mammalian smugness.} AAAAAHHH! YOU LITTLE PERVERT! [Dammit Jim, I'm a pervert not a doctor!] {Deedee grabs Frank's head from her nether region and makes him do a Linda Blair. Her followup is a move that causes even Klingons, who even THINK about it, to grab their crotches and sink moaning to the floor.} Frank (Weas): EeeeeeeeeeeaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh..... I don't think I find this quite pleasurable. Oooooooooo. {He drags himself out of the room.} Deedee: And if you tell anyone I wear Star Wars underwear, YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!!! {Meanwhile, Traveller and Greena are watching all this on their Tantalus scope. They look pretty turned on, Traveller's forehead is throbbing. Just for kicks, he grabs a copy of "Dr. Ruth's 101 Ways to Get In Touch With Your Feelings" and throws it at Spocky. He raises an eyebrow and takes off down the turbolift shaft.} {Weasley is in his room, clutching a teddy tribble and sucking his thumb. He's wearing those pajamas with the attached feet. There is a beep from the door.} Frank (Dee): Oh Weasley, I've been all wrong about you. And truthfully, pectoral muscles are such a turn-off! [What do you say when a Romulan farts in your airlock?] Weasley: Huh? Well gee, that's neato! Oh boy! Oh, golly, so THAT's what that word means! OH...AAAAAHHH! YOU!!! Frank: I'm afraid so, Weasley, but isn't it nice? Weasley: Hmmm. {He shrugs.} This is the closest I'm gonna get, SO C'MERE, YOU! GRRRRRRRRRAAAARRRRRRR!!!! {Frank's screams are cut off by urgent beeping from the viewscreen. He staggers out of bed, leaving Weasley with a mouthful of pelt.} Traveller: Master, Spocky has broken his containment field and is loose somewhere on the station. Greena has just released the glommers... Frank: ...help me, Spocky... {Cut to Deedee stomping around the lab, breaking big things into small things with pieces of what used to be other big things. She is peeved.} Deedee: Ooh, Weasley, Weasley you dork! [What do you say to your friend when she sets you up on a blind date with Weasley?] How could you have done this to me?! If only you didn't have glands! If only you didn't read Galactic Geographic in the bathroom! If only I had you neutered on shoreleave! {She catches him and Frank on yet another conveniently placed viewscreen.} I knew it all along. {Spocky pops up, emitting low moans. Lots of what used to be big things have fallen on him. He's spastically clutching the book Taveller threw at him.} Deedee: [What does Marina Sirtis say at conventions?] Not another naked guy! Go away. Guinan: Emotion, agitation, or intense feminist angst...a powerful and irrational master...and from what Greena and Coulombia viddied on their conveniently placed viewscreen there seemed little doubt that Deedee was indeed its love monkey... TO BE CONTINUED (If anyone is interested.) -\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ | Federal Department of Redundancy Department Rep. Tim Murphy | | ac184@freenet.carleton.ca VE3EEP (613) 562-1664 | -\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/